Friday's Quote

I make no apologies in a) shamelessly ripping off the ideas of my fellow bloggers and b) shamelessly ripping off the words of my friend Jon:

"From the august (well, July 29) pages of the Ham&High:

Sergeant Colin Edwards, who led a team of seven
officers at Swiss Cottage station, said: "Today there
was reason to have a stronger presence on the
transport system due to it being a Thursday and other intelligence from Scotland Yard."

Due to it being a Thursday? And we wonder how these wily terrorists outwit the fuzz..."

And we give these people guns?!!!!!

Steaming pile of arse

"Remember, there are people out there who would kill you as soon as look at you - and some of them won't even be wearing their police uniforms."

"Met Police Chief Sir Ian Blair has...warned that more innocent people might be killed in the fight against terrorism. "

Joy of joys. If I'm not going to be blown up by a lunatic with a bomb, I'm almost as likely to be shot dead by a lunatic with a gun. And this lunatic's in a position of repsonsibility.

The killing of a Brazilian electrician is being touted as an "accidental shooting". It make sit nicer that way, doesn't it? Makes it seem like the gun went accidentally off in the officer's hand, or that it was only meant to hit his leg.

No. it wasn't an "accidental shooting". It was the very deliberate hunting down and shooting of someone. Three people pounced on the guy, thus ensuring he was immobilised and secured. THEN they shot him in the head five - that's FIVE - times.

Well meaning peopl have emailed the BBC saying "why was he running? If I was approached by police men with guns, I'd stay still".

Here's just a few reasons why that person is wrong.

1) They were plain-clothed. So, you have three men with guns chasing you. Not police men. Just men. I'd run. No, actually, I'd shit myself, then I'd run.

2) Jean Charles de Menezes was Brazilian. I don't know what his level of English was but bearing in mind most people I know have difficulty understanding what is said if it's screamed at them, I wouldn't be described if he just heard a noise.

3) He spent some time in a slum in Sao Paolo, somewhere where the Police are marginally more corrupt than your local mayor. So if he understood the word "Police" and saw guns, he probably ran because he can remember what happened to people who heard that in Sao Paolo.

Right now, I feel sorry for anyone of an ethnic minority who has to carry things on the tube. It's another wedge in between the various strata of sociaety, and all Sir Ian Blair has done is make sure that wedge doesn't budge.

Live 8 Bingo Update

it's interesting to note how many acts are touring new albums.

Noew, the charitable people among you will say that, when a band are promoting an album, mostly by touring, it's easier for them to fit in an extra date. Whereas for a band working in the studio, it's hard for them to get things together and play.

But I'm not charitable. At least, not in that way...

So below is my attempt to win Live 8 Bingo with the list of "a bit of global exposure might help our new album" culprits:

Coldplay
Pete Doherty
Mariah Carey
UB40
Audioslave
Faithless
Green Day
Raphael
Stevie Wonder
Will Smith

(and that's only the ones with new albums in the last month or two. Some of them are still touring albums released earlier this year. Yes, Bono, that means you.)

So Chris-"I care, I really do, fuck off if you think that Live 8 is just for us to flog our album"-Martin. Put that in your enormous fat pipe and smoke it.

RE: 14:11 Blues

So joelb hates random braking on motorways.

It's one of his top five hates, apparently.

Personally, I don't mind it so much if I'm not going to barrel into the back of someone else in a screaming ball of death. At least it shows people are awake.

But surely, no.1 in the all time lists of anyone's hates on roads is the WHITE VAN DRIVER!!!!! The tosser who thinks he's still driving his little Mini rather than a couple of tons of scrap metal.

While driving on the motorway yesterday, myself and my co-driver were cut up several times by Sunday White Van Man. We came up with the perfect solution, which involved pink bubbles and a pair of fake breasts.

Consequently, we were like the four horsemen of the M40 - all White Vans were swept from our way and their corpses litter the verges.

It's why the North Circular was so quiet last night...

Inbreeding

While hiking up and down the Motorway recently, we ended up in the hotbed of inbreeding that is the Northern Lakes. Nature called, so I had to go a Motorway Service Station toilet. After papering down the seat for an eternity, to make sure there was no trace of "Trucker Splashback", I settled down to release my aching curry.

Now I'm sure I'm not the only one immensely amused by graffiti on Service Station walls - you could write a bloody good book out of it. On this occasion, the following was spotted on the side of the toilet paper dispenser:

"The best arse
to fuck and
cum in is
your elder
sisters.
Try it."

They really don't help their reputation do they?

The Diary of Piers D Baumøl Part 1

Hello there

My name is Piers. I am from Aachen in Denmark, but I have been living in the United British Kingdom for a quite long time now.

I am 27 and my friend Harry says I am "typically Danish". Which is nice of him. I have been working in the Civil Service for about a year and am still enjoying it. I have a good many friends there too.

Harry is probably my closest friend. If I am typically Danish, he is typically English. He is round and hairy, and makes the most wonderful combination of noises and smells from various parts of his body. His favourite habit seems to be scratching himself between the legs whenever Felicity walks by.

Felicity is my "line manager". We sometimes go out for drinks together when Harry has not managed to say something horrid. I think I may be in love with Felicity. She is very slim and pretty and has a tremendous "front bottom" (Harry says this is the "proper casual" way to refer to a lady's chest). She has rather a nice "back bottom" too...

Dan works on my team. He reminds me of a Finn. Very serious but with a very strong liver. He has not turned yellow yet, but it can only be a matter of time.

Linda B is also on my team. She loves Harry though Harry things she is "a bit of a boot". This has not stopped them sleeping together several times however.

Linda K is the last member of our little group. She is quite quiet, but Harry says this is a lie and that she is a "spankaholic", whatever one of those is. She does not like Harry much, but she still comes out with us.

I must get back on with today's accounts, but I shall write more later. I am going out for a quiet drink with Dan and Harry tonight so maybe that will provide some inspiration.

"Arsehole's Out!" (Harry says this is what you say when you drink someone's health in England)

Piers

Were' a bit faux-Satan really...

I think we need a bit of a redesign of the pages. Nothing personal against them and all that, but...well, it's called "Satan's Arse" and it looks like a Strawberry Cornetto.

Any of you any good at that?

I was sat opposite this oik on the train yesterday. He looked like an effete version of Prince Harry but with less brain power...I swear he was drooling. You could have written an essay on him - why chavs shouldn't be allowed to procreate. I mean, he was your stereotypical teenage maggot:

Baseball cap? - check! (Bonus points for it being a bland shade of grey)
Tracksuit top? - check! (also grey)
Tracksuit bottoms? - check! (and you guessed it, grey again)
Unlaced fat trainers? - check! (Whitey-grey)
Huge leg spreadage in excess of 90 degrees? - check!
Scowl as if he's just found out that his girlfriend has been sleeping with his pet labrador? - check!

He sat there noisily hoiking up phlegm and swilling it in his mouth, while occasionally letting out a little "tick" as he fired a miniscule bit across the carriage. Then he got out of the train and, I'm not kidding, it looked like projectile vomiting.

I wanted to ram his head into the trail of his sputum, then make him drink the interesting combination of phlegm, blood and gravel, before holding his head in front of the nearest express train. And I wanted to do this and receive a monetary award for services to humanity.

There's no justice in the world.

Welcome...

Welcome all to the foul mouth of Beelezebub.

Amongst other things I think we should follow the exciting adventures of Piers D Baumhøl.